Dearest Interweb,
I have a confession to make: I think I might be a sociopath.
There. I've said it "out loud" for the first time in all seriousness. Let me be the first one to admit that it wasn't easy. I've tried to say it outloud before but IMMEDIATELY covered it with humor and a swift change of subject. Even now as I type semi-anonymously I can feel the low hum of panic about how someone will know my *true* self.
So, who am I? Why is this blog happening? Am I a sociopath? Are you a sociopath?
Honestly, your guess is as good as mine.
My current dating situation is what really started the *personal reflection* that I am now sharing with you. The thought that's been running through my head for the past couple months has been "Am I A Sociopath or Just A Fuckboy?" Which sounds lame even as I type it here, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dating in San Francisco in 2018 is THE WORST and I think could drive anyone over the edge. But, this obnoxious and slightly humorous question that is a result of my terrible dating habits has led me to reflect on who I am. And now here we are, together at this blog page.
The definition of Sociopath that is given when you type "definition of sociopath" into Google reads as follows: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and lack of conscience.
This is THE most bare bones definition and honestly probably incorrect definition of "sociopath" that I have ever read. The general hand-wavy/misconception/Hollywood driven definition of a sociopath painted a picture that I couldn't identify with. A picture I didn't WANT to identify with (obviously). Which I think is why it took me so long to recognize my personality traits for what they were.
All I could see were terrifying monsters labeled as "psychopath" or "sociopath." But their crimes were too horrendous, their actions were too violent, their childhoods were too troubled. Through a recent obsession with true crime I dove deeper than the face-value monsters we all know and hate. I wanted to see how my unfeeling, unempathetic, serial dating personality fit into these sociopathic stereotypes. Update: I didn't fit in with any of the *mainstream* sociopaths. For the better, in my opinion.
There lies the question. My responses to most social situations are different than those around me. But have I killed anyone? Hurt any animals? Taken complete advantage of someone with no remorse? No. I haven't.
SO WHO AM I? Am I a sociopath? Am I just a millennial searching for answers to questions that can't be answered with my magic 8 ball?
I'm sending this blog out over the interweb in hopes to find some kind of answer. Or at least get the thoughts I have floating around my head out in a physical format.
Please start playing "Psycho Killer" by the Talking Heads as I end this post (for ambiance of course).
Am I A Sociopath? Or am I just... me?
xoxo
stephanie